doyourules w/Cliché Jeff

Confronting the Concrete Jungle: The Threat for a Transformative Life Journey

• Jeff • Season 2 • Episode 7

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Growing up in the South Bronx taught me some hard-hitting truths about fear and the crossroads it introduces: fight, flight, or freeze? My neighborhood's concrete jungle was the unforgiving teacher that showed me the importance of staring down those fears to truly change the game of my own life. Together with my guest, we unravel the complex dance of fear and change, sharing raw, unfiltered stories from the days when adversity wasn't a choice but a daily reality. Our tales are not just echoes of the past; they resonate with the struggles we all face when our backs are against the wall, and the only way out is through.

This episode is a treasure trove of insights into the human condition, examining why our 'no-fly zones' of comfort are the real barriers to personal evolution. It's a deep dive into the psyche, challenging you to confront the fears that whisper lies of self-doubt and to reclaim your power to shape your destiny. We dissect the intricate layers of self-discovery and the necessity of an honest relationship with oneself to avoid a future tinged with regret. Join us as we lay out a blueprint for transformation, inspiring you to break free from the chains of complacency and soar towards a life of purpose and fulfillment.

Speaker 1:

if you are watching this and you know deep inside of you there's this little whisper of your little voice urging you to make a change and you continue ignoring it and you don't change your life for good today, you will regret it for the rest of your life, and that's not just a threat, because it should feel threatening, but truly it is an absolute promise. So if this talk is reaching you today, it's because I've been digging in recently on a lot of the difficulty we as people are apparently experiencing in life, and a lot of the chatter is built around fear that somehow we are just a scared society of people and won't change because of it, and that the fear we feel is around what it might look like externally Fear that somehow we're not good enough, or maybe we're scared because we failed so many other times, or possibly maybe all of the above and then some is an accepted excuse which amounts to fake fear or essentially imagined fear. And the true difficulty you are faced with is that you lack a threat and because there's no immediate threat to your current lifestyle circumstances, despite all the reasons you have for being where you are, that outline the difficulties that really we all face in life, because managing your life is absolutely the most difficult form of expression. Truthfully, you flowed into the proverbial comfort zone, which I refer to also as the no-fly zone, that, despite your fight to the contrary, you've submitted to a lifestyle that you will surfacely admit isn't what you want. But somehow you are magically restricted from evolving because maybe life is just against you and what's true to you is always going to be true to you. But I'm going to talk to you today about how seeking a threat and ignoring the initial fallacy of fear is the fastest way to not only make change but create a mental environment that keeps you focused on sustaining, but create a mental environment that keeps you focused on sustaining, constantly growing and evolving the change you seek. So let's first unpack fear a bit scientifically, emotionally and logically, and let me explain why. I believe it's not the initial motivator you need to overcome, but it's ultimately the threat you should focus on.

Speaker 1:

Here's the fifth great science on fear. Let's firstly agree that we all recognize we have a system in place called fight or flight, which is invoked when fear hits you. That system is an autonomic system, meaning it happens automatically without you consciously or physically trying to do anything. And when fear hits you, you feel the fear, adrenaline shoots through your body, heart rate speeds up, knees start clacking and shaking and ultimately you are forced into a fight or flight state. And in that language and expression I'm pretty sure if you're struggling right now, you are not anywhere near a flight or fight state. You're more comatose than anything you might think. Fear is paralyzing you, and that's likely true to an extent. But let's settle that true fear puts you in a status of choosing between fighting or fleeing.

Speaker 1:

Now here's a story for me that I think will help emphasize this point that we all likely can relate to in some capacity. Let me first set the table and the scene for you. If you didn't already know, if you don't already follow a little of my backdrop, I grew up in the projects of the big bad South Bronx, so suffice it to say I've had plenty of memories that align with the sensationalism of a Netflix series around graphic struggle. That align with the sensationalism of a Netflix series around graphic struggle which, truthfully, when I reflect on, I'm grateful for because, like you, I've had many inflection points that could have changed the course of my individual history. Anyway, this story starts out with me walking to meet five of my buddies in front of one of the housing buildings because we were going to play a basketball game at the Y, which is the YMCA, and I lived in a housing unit called Forest Projects and these projects had 14 floors, not including the rooftop, and each building was situated about 20 to 25 feet from one another and my particular housing unit had about, I would say, 25 to 30 of these 14 story brick and concrete buildings in the area and then around the buildings were like little walkways and pathways where you could cut from building to building, maybe hit the bodega or something like that. There were also basketball courts and monkey bar playgrounds scattered across the middle and maybe this was called Forest, not so ironically, forest Projects has a bunch of really really tall trees everywhere and like patches of random grass, some of which were enclosed like middle black gates, and a lot of us would just play football in there and what have you. So I would say visually it's really a traditional housing community setting.

Speaker 1:

So I go to meet my boys and because we decided to walk to the Y, none of us really had money for the bus or the train. The Y was about, I would say, about a 30 minute walk and the Y was located at an area nearby Kelly Park which, for lack of greater detail, had a bunch of baseball fields hence Kelly Park surrounded by a bunch of smaller ranging buildings similar to my housing environment, and right on the outskirts of the baseball fields was the Y. And the Y had a bunch of colorful positive sports graffiti sprays on the floor and around the building and again, that's where we had our formal basketball games. So we get to the Y and the game really wasn't much of a game. I remember I was about halftime. We were up by like 30 talking a lot of shit between the teams, because that's what you do in competitive sports, but also where I'm from, that's a big thing. A lot of the environment was first one, with your bravado, which was always most easily displayed by how you talked and carry yourself. Just a simple lifestyle reality in my world, anyway.

Speaker 1:

So the game ends, we went by a lot and the six of us are like man, we're thirsty, we're parched, let's go get something to drink. So we put our pennies together and decide let's go to McDonald's and buy a supersized drink that we can just refill and share a bunch of times and it's funny my son asked me the other day why does McDonald's give out free cups of water when people just fill them with soda? So clearly that's still a thing. But anyhow, we intend to go to McD's and we walk a path that cuts across Kelly Park, right through the middle of all their buildings, because it's the fastest way there. So it makes sense.

Speaker 1:

And as we're walking, we're talking shit to each other about you know who played the best, who scored the most, who hit the most shots, etc. Etc. Etc. That's what you do, right? It's teenage boys. And as we're walking we hear from a distance Ayo, yo, yo, yo. And we all stop and look at each other like yo, is that for us? And surely enough it is, otherwise it wouldn't be a story worth telling. So we all turn around and there's like 15 dudes coming our way. We're like, oh shit, it's about to go down, right. So we stop and we turn around and now these boys are in a light jog, like heading directly for us Yo, yo, hold up, right, yo, yo.

Speaker 1:

So if you've ever been in one of these situations, it's intense. There's always one mouthpiece, one dude who does the talking and, for whatever reason, me and my crew wound up in like a little circle. Maybe that was our version of former Voltron. But here we are and the one dude is yapping away and truthfully, at this point I can't hear a word of what he's saying, because it's clear they have an intent and it's not good for us. And as Mouthpiece is talking, the biggest dude out of the 15-man crew because it's always the biggest dude starts to walk around the little circle and is staring at us in our faces, one by one, and dude is like frothing at the mouth, breathing hard, eyes and brows are squished up tight, grinding his teeth. He's playing his part and he gets to me and I swear it's like he's looking into my soul. He's almost chest to chest and he looks me in my eyes and he smiles and then he screams out really loud we got one, we got one, yo. This dude right here is scared to death and I'm not gonna lie, he was right. Like I could literally feel my heart beating out, my chest, palms getting sweaty, knees clacking like I remember being so scared that it felt like I was actually elevating. I felt so light in the moment. If that makes sense. It's just like crazy. And of course, a few seconds later, punches are thrown, it goes down, and thankfully there were some adults running up the block. You know police, police. So while it felt like it felt like an eternity, it was truthfully more talking than punches.

Speaker 1:

All right, what is my point to this? Firstly, fear clearly was a factor, but the reality, if you scale this thing back, is that fear wasn't elicited by the threat. The threat precedes the fear, and true fear then causes you to go into fight or flight, which then implies you have a decision to make. In the most basic of setups, it comes down to do I stay or do I go? And if your current life is not consistent and built around constant growth, then you've reached the comfort zone which, as I said earlier, is also referred to, at least for me, the no-fly zone Do I stay or do I go? This is a moment-to-moment decision you have likely lost sight of and it's keeping you powerless to expand your world. And if you can't align with that statement, then the converse is that you lack the power to change your reality. And look, I'm sorry, unless somehow you are being held captive, chained and locked down in a bunker somewhere. It just isn't true.

Speaker 1:

Now, look, I don't know what or how or what you need to specifically hear to help inspire, motivate or broaden your viewpoint. But, really and truthfully, if you have breath today and you're valuable, you're worthy, creative, powerful, divine and you deserve whatever you see for yourself in your life, your problem is you've accepted comfort in your current reality and the version you are of yourself today. So if you seek more, then you need to begin viewing what you currently have as an immediate threat to your life, because your comfort eliminates the threat, which leads to stagnation, which which is what creates the frustration, anxiety and a ton of suppressing feelings that, and ironically, keeps you comfortable in your current world. Let me try to explain in some detail. First, forget all the goals you see for yourself and have possibly even tried at some point in your life.

Speaker 1:

I believe, because of the constant idealistic and superficial validations that are promoted, persuasive and influential in our culture, we have lost the ability to have clear perspective for growth. In addition, the constant and immediate stimuli offered to us through our vices, screens, apps, gaming, stimulants like alcohol, marijuana, other feel-good drugs we submit to which is trendy and described to as instant gratification All that is all because of how our mindset works, specifically that constant exposure to these highlight real lifestyles and short bursts, keep us addicted to distracted, unfulfilled lives that we can't seem to break away from. And here's a paradoxical perspective for you on how, I believe, we struggle. We overlook and dismiss our daily tasks. Whatever it is you do, every day is mundane and don't put maximum effort because some of these things could just be like 10 to 15 minutes of our day. So we don't attempt to fix it because we don't see it as that broken, because it's only 10 to 15 minutes. Thereby we lose the long-term implications that even just 10 minutes a day of anything over the course of an actual week, which is seven days, is 70 minutes. Let's shrink the math to 60 minutes. Anything you do for 60 minutes a week, 10 minutes per day is an hour week, 10 minutes per day is an hour. So now that's four weeks or four hours per month, which over the course of the year, is 48 hours, which is two full days. Add perspective for 10 minutes of arguing with your partner or your kids or your boss, or hating and demeaning on yourself over and over and from that perspective. That is what you've built, so that is now what you're comfortable with and psychologically your consciousness is now accustomed to that routine and breaking free from those habits becomes a threat, and you have ceased to see it that way, because the growth of, or the threat of growth puts the security of comfort at risk, and you don't truly want that threat in your life. That's the no-fly zone, which, if it wasn't clear, means that you're not willing to fight, so you stagnate and create a bunch of stories that stop you from making any true progress in your life.

Speaker 1:

Now let me try to relate to how I leverage this in my life by viewing myself as a threat. Briefly stated, I had a routine while I worked. I've been married for over 15 years now and my relationship with my wife spans like 25 plus years. I have two children, my daughter, who is now 14, and my son, who is 11. And I was checking all the boxes, providing the way I thought I should and doing all the things that society tells you you should do to try to be fulfilled in life. And then I had what I believe is the ultimate epiphany moment, and I'll relate it to you story-wise. And this is one of those stories that, as I was thinking about it, I hesitate to share because I feel terrible relating in this way. But let me talk about my father, who was almost quite literally never there for me. He didn't contribute in any capacity to my upbringing, yet I learned an immense amount from him and I'm grateful for the impact he made on my life even though he wasn't there. And here's why my father fell into a drug addiction that was really prevalent in the 80s Pretty much every drug imaginable. So you can start to see where this goes as far as being a present father.

Speaker 1:

Anyhow, it's my seventh birthday and for some unknown reason, my mother decided to bring me to my father's house, which was really my grandparents' house, to celebrate. My father lived with my grandparents, and there were some rules at my grandparents' house that I'll get into in a minute that can leave quite the impression of a young child. But let's get to gift-giving time, right. It's my birthday, getting my gifts, and despite growing up poor, I really didn't lack for material that much, and so I got a Nintendo for my seventh birthday. Included in that was Super Mario Brothers 3, which had come out a couple months prior. I know my Mario heads are going.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, like any seven-year-old, I wanted to stay up all night and play, and my grandmother obliged me. But right before my grandmother went to sleep, she sat down next to me and she says Jared, because Jared's my middle name for those who don't know, and that's also what my family calls me. You just saw my son come out in the background. That's going to stay there. Don't forget to hide your Nintendo in all your games when you're done, because you know what will happen, right? I'm like, yes, grandma, and she's like why? I said because of my father, grandma. She's like yes, your father will see it, take it and sell it, so hide it. Terrible. Now I hate repeating this story because I really don't want this to sound like it already sounds, you know, victim and all these the drama that comes along with it. But let me continue on.

Speaker 1:

I had this one hiding spot, because I got to hide this now my uncle showed me because he was my father's younger brother and was already versed at this and this hiding spot was right behind the TV, quite literally. And these days we had tube TVs that were really big, and this one was connected to and built into like a wooden box and behind the TV was a hole. You usually run wires through it, but the hole was big enough where you could kind of stuff things in and if you reached and slid all the way to the left, you could hide some things and it wouldn't be visible in any way. So now I remember this quite vividly. There was a plastic supermarket bag next to me that I kept right on the side as I was playing my Nintendo. So when I got up I could carefully wrap the Nintendo inside the plastic bag. So I get done, I wrap it in the bag, I tie the bag really tight, I go behind the TV, I reach behind the TV, slide the bag all the way to the left and I'm feeling really good about my hiding spot right. I tuck myself into sleep peacefully and confidently and I would just wake up and play again in the morning, and I would do this as soon as I woke up, not even brushing my teeth right back into Mario Brothers. Morning comes, I jump off the sofa because we didn't have enough beds and reached behind the TV. No bag, no Nintendo, and my father, of course, is out of the house. It's gone. That sucks.

Speaker 1:

Why do I share this? This is one of the many moments where I've said to myself when I was a kid if I ever do have kids, I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever steal from them and, on top of that, I will do my best to spoil them. So, naturally, what did I do? I worked really hard, got a good job and, yes, my kids are materially spoiled. But here is the lesson I learned on how I realized the threat I am to myself.

Speaker 1:

Over the course of trying to grow my money, I built the habit of unnecessarily either staying out late to drink and have bar dinners, or I would come home late and drink myself to sleep, because you know life is hard. And finally I had the epiphany that I was just like my father. How so? Every night I drank, every night I ignored my family responsibilities. Every time I lost perspective, I performed the egregious act towards my children of stealing time from them, precious, precious time of their growing, nurturing and becoming, time that can never be returned and that I now pray that somehow doesn't leave a memory or an imprint that causes them to make a really horrible decision that hurts them in life. And to me that is the ultimate generational curse. It's not the money, it's not the social status, it's not the material.

Speaker 1:

Life is relationships, and the number one threat to your life is time, and the number one relationship you need to lock in on is with yourself, and I'm not claiming that any of this will eliminate any pressure, any insecurities or doubt. In fact, done correctly, those emotions are actually. It will be magnified, and for no other reason than that is how we are designed as humans. So what are we left to do and what do I want to share? Time is my greatest threat, and as you go through the roller coaster that is life, come to share. Time is my greatest threat, and as you go through the roller coaster that is life, come to consciousness and you can control a lot of what you struggle with.

Speaker 1:

Approach yourself and get in deep as to why you think you're scared. Why are you feeling anxious or doubtful or broken? Don't dismiss what you do every day. Fight with yourself. Create a fly zone that's built around pushing yourself towards growth. Don't stagnate and get comfortable with anything less than a fulfilled version of you. Get to work on creating your current version as your generational threat that, if you don't get to work on today, you are promised to live with and in regret. Create the threat, stay blessed. Change your mind. Change your life. I am who I say I am. Stay rich.